Sometimes I wish Id die and just get it over with. It broke my heart. He has different roles for different situations. Hi Paula, You story is a great lesson for why it is so important when you are with someone like this that you stay on familiar ground and not get yourself isolated. 4 Deny them what they want. Also, please get Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass, The Love Safety Net Workbooks, and 10 Steps To Overcome Co-dependence. If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. I wonderedWhat do you think would happen if 2 narcissist got together as a couple? It is the unhealthy part of their thinking. Despite the difficulties of this life, I love my husband and do not want to leave him. Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. This has been my experience of Narcissists. He got arrested for teen porn on his computer. For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. If I had to write about everything that I had to endure at the hands of the woman I love so much it would take a long time. Not even sure if he is narcissist, but think soalthough some days I wonder if its me instead! He is getting the msg now and is much nicer, kinder but he is still the charmer especially of women who adore him..and men want to protect him.. and he is a role playing man. Your indifference is their kryptonite. My question is, it would be great to rely on someone else (police, doctor, etc) to deliver the bad news to him about his behavior, but the things my husband does are too mild for that. I read and read and readI find myself wishing he would hit me so I would have a definable reason to leave, something our adult children would understand. You are right on target. And he is blaming her for his spending of her money! Then the row would be about him trying to leave not about the original subject which was over and done with already. I married late in life and was only married 1 yr 4 mos when he leftand am still missing him and coming to terms with thisthe guy I married just doesnt seem to exist and whoever he is now doesnt want me in his life or to be in mine. He was very serious about making the change. He would not be remotely aware of his behavior while leaving. He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. Do you think thats possible? After love-bombing you with future faking and a false . I am so relieved to read LadyJanes post (response no. I am an Australian living in the UK and am a single parent with an 11 year old daughter. Da, I could have written your story You are me. More importantly, they have no affective empathythe ability to feel what another person is feelingmuch less have compassion for others. Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you. You like to be sick. 2. This is certainly difficult. I feel trapped! I was disappointed however, and stuck in my own issues, feeling like I gave and gave and wasnt getting much in the last couple of months we were living together. (4) he lied to me every day, hides stuff and he verbally attacks me telling me what a liar, I am, how I lie lie lie lieWhen he is the only liar. Once a. He always has an agenda.which is for himself onlyultimately to make himself feel good about himself. 3. Thank you so much for everything! To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. Kim, you also say about leaving accountability to others. The consequences of his actions in this situation are hard to tell. I told him that I would, because of your advise, & I was so scared to follow through, but I did. He calls it the 4 Ds of financial abuse: Debt: Every discussion about finances - no matter how mundane - becomes triggering and turns into a panic attack. Doing so, it began to dawn on me why my husband is who he is. I do mean literally do anything to not be found out. Narcissism is very hard to diagnose - even by experts. I will be fine. 22) While doing the side work you accused me and I quote yeah side work I am sure thats what he is paying you for even though I did most of the work from home. Staying calm and in control of my emotions. There is no helping these Nar people, you can only preserve your own sanity, be strong and protect yourself. The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they'll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive. Ive had my hair pulled, been hit, wakened in the middle of the night by yelling and screaming, breaking objects, punching holes in walls. I understand now why I kept drawing emotional leaches or vampires. He is no longer abusive towards me and he is learning to control his emotions. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. As for your car I would make a statement to the police and say it is necessary they investigate this for your insurance claim. [] (An earlier version of thisarticle was first published on the narcissism Daily Mirror and then at:www.thelovesafetynet.com.) I am soooo sick and tired of him by the weekend after hes been a jerk half the week for apologising yes apologising for being a jerk and defending himself at what a tough week its been and hes sorry only for him to do it again. Kim, in response No. Trying to hide the truth, trying to avoid real intimacy? 6 Walk away while they're talking. This method of dealing with it is the only one that has any positive results. I dont want to be the person he blames for everything, but continuing to set boundaries is only further infuriating him and I find it difficult to cut the imaginary cord with my emotions sometimes. Seems like nearly everything he says to me is about him. So I guess I would ask you to ask yourself if you are grieving or co-dependent(co-dependence effects most of our relationships). Again be matter of fact and say that you are concerned that they understand how serious this is and deal responsibly with how dangerous his behaviour has become. I thought that maybe I missed reading something. This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. Dear Kim Avery, I am so sorry for what you are going thru.. it breaks my heart! We have been online helping couplesfor over 8 years and hope we can help. It is our lively hood. I assure you that separating bank accounts will work to stop that. However if they perceive that they do not need you to feel secure and happy you had better find a way to get out quickly because they have no incentive to check their behaviour. And even that can be a prolonged struggle, given their profound dependence on their victims. Well, we choose USA because of the lesser age discrimination at the work place we are both over 50. Its going to cost him a whole lot more when he moves out and has to pay someone to live somewhere else. I really love him , and after pulling things back together, I feel weak , and I dont know how to handle him or myself. Dear Michelle, (Comment 48) I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. Please tell us, how are things going for you and your children? After his death i met a nother man, also with some npd behaviour. Thank you so much for what you are doing, dont stop. Thank you. This is hell. In our last phone call (a phone call was a rare event) I confronted him with the bad behavior, some of which is aboveall I got for that was this text, which also said that my words have power over him and IM NOT RESPONSIBLE! Every couple of weeks to every few months of our whole relationship he has threatened to divorce me, but I finally decided to stop fighting it and to stop begging for forgiveness for all of the things that offend him. Its not easy, but that is how the trust grows. Harsh, but true. You asked me to lend you the money to pay it off knowing that I made some money on the sale of my house, granted I did not have a new job yet after leaving my old one to move and am a single mom of two. Thank you Kim and Steve for your inspirational insights Im trying to hang in there!!!! a discussion ,and Therefore he responds by attacking me which makes him feel superior. Till I got my papers he was supposed to pay spousal support, court ordered. You should also make it clear in this report that you fear this may be a symptom of the medication he has been prescribed. They have to be sane! Recently things are extremely difficult for my family. God is reasonable and fair, and doesnt expect anyone to live a life of torment within a union that lacks peace and love, and causes harm. One day, I will be thinking or doing something other than engaging in the endless hours of preoccupation about another tumultuous display of rage and blame, when he comes to me and finally saysI now understand. I can relate to just about every single one of the writers here except for physical violence. He tries to manipulate me and I dont let him. We are going to change this? A parable says, A leach has two sisters. Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. The Control Freak This parent sees their child as a person whose role in life is to make them happy and do as they say. He is a deeply insecure person when it comes to intimacy. Save yourselves and consider yourselves lucky for getting out when you did, and get your kids as far away as possible. Confused. How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. that is healthy and will treat her right. Its hard to give up on a man who has saved you in waysand who you know deep down, he is a good manbut his fear keeps him from being able to create real intimacy, and build on a relationship based on trust and honesty. He will never admit hes wrong. Hi Butterfly and welcome (-: I understand your feelings entirely but here on this blog we do try and leave the decision to stay or go up to peoples own hearts if only because it is one of the very few places people who dont want to separate can come to get help. Linda, thanks for your insight. I am sure I forgot somethings if there is any doubt in your mind while I am ending this, read this again until you get it. He does not know how to be himself as a child so when he has questions and here is the hard part for me to remember, he really doesnt know beyond the child age he is. He started a few online groups too trying to get people to follow him. He uses people big time to get what he wants out of life. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. I dont want to lose him. [1] Being assertive means advocating for yourself without disrespecting someone else (in this case, the narcissist). Kim first let me say thank you for being the only voice that says it is possible to stay with a Narc I ordered Back from the Looking Glass I was hiding it as I was reading it but he found it and boy was he livid to put it mildly after being subjected to a horrible rage episode I put it down for a while and felt a bit hopelessIll spare you all the gory details weve all heard them before but my breaking point came when he put my son out (who suffers from depression) and I told him I would be leaving also but that I would come back on weekends I just needed to be able to think clearly while not being subjected to his tyranny under the same roof with him everyday. And me in my unrequited love stage and I am married to someone else.Long story and my wife knows about our relationship. Of course he lied about what he was up to. I dont believe it will work for my husband and I as I have tried for 7 years and nothing has changed. The person that I speak of is the worse case of spiritual soul sickness that I have ever encountered in my nearly 60 years of life and nothing that anyone does can do anything more than put up with for a time until in the end, she gets worse than she was when she was the worse the last time. The following are common areas clients struggle with regarding personal accountability: Stay in control of your emotions.